How to PROPERLY study for Finalsss

     Okay, let me start off by saying this in NO way will aid you in your current study technique. This is strictly a brief peek into how procrastinators spend their time when they actually should be "hitting the books" for finals, or any assignment/task for that matter. This is how you should act accordingly if you are in fact contemplating becoming a procrastinator yourself.

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  First rule of studying: IF YOU HAVE A CELL PHONE USE IT. Everyone who has a smartphone should ALWAYS be on it whether it be looking up useless facts about life (or whatever) or playing stupid app games.

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  Second: JUDGE ANYONE WHO IS NOT ON THEIR PHONE. Judging is a big part of the procrastinator process, but try not to judge too hard otherwise you might strain yourself. Procrastination is all about relaxation, so don't strain yourself. 

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     Thirdly: EAT AS MUCH FOOD AS POSSIBLE. No one wants to die of starvation. What a horrible way to go. Therefore, eat for all the people you do NOT know who have died of starvation in the last movie you saw where people died of starvation. Sucks for them, but not for you so get to the refrigerator. 

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   Fourthly (if that is even a word): SLEEP BECAUSE YOU COULD DIE WITHOUT REST. Heck, maybe you don't feel tired but someone somewhere has had a very hard day and will not be able to sleep, so sleep for them. Naps are not just for babies anymore, college students not studying for their finals like them too.   

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   For fifth's sake: TRY TO FIGURE OUT THE MEANING OF LIFE. No one has "hit the nail on the head" yet, and you are in school so maybe you will be the first. Just think about all the awards that will come with it. The prestige and fame, oh you will be drowning in money. No need for college after that. Heck, who knows maybe you can buy your own college and give people an education for free that way they will never know the pain that comes with the Financial Aid Office.      

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     Running up to sixth place (ha, running somewhere that's funny): IF YOU FAIL AT NUMBER FIVE, AT LEAST ATTEMPT TO FIGURE OUT THE ENDING TO INCEPTION BECAUSE NO MOVIE SHOULD LEAVE AN OPEN ENDING LIKE THAT. I think if you have ever seen the ending you know exactly what I am blogging about right here. Did he make it back? Is he still dreaming? You probably need a couple of days right there alone to figure it all out. 

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   In seventh place: BRAG TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS (OR WHATEVER) WHO ARE STUDYING THAT YOU DO NOT NEED TO PARTICIPATE IN SUCH A MUNDANE PRACTICE BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY VERY SMART IF YOU ARE ATTENDING COLLEGE IN THE FIRST PLACE, THEREFORE YOU HAVE NO NEED TO "STUDY" OR WHATEVER IT IS THE "PEASANTS" DO. This may aid in you losing some friends, but who cares. Not you because caring takes effort, and you are far too lazy for that.

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    Coming up slowly (oh so slowly) in eighth: SLEEP AGAIN. The first time around was just a nap, and your final is tomorrow so you need your sleep. You may feel a little nervous twinge in your gut about not studying AT ALL, but if you sleep on it then your brain will be fresh and ready to pull up months old information about whatever subject you are testing for. Who needs a review when you have got eight-plus hours of sleep.  

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   Answer to life number nine: EAT SOMETHING YUMMY FOR BREAKFAST. So what if eating something yummy requires work. It will not lose you a second of sleep if you convince your parents to make you something the night before so you will not fail your test because you are hungry. Throw in a cute little pouty face too so it comes off slightly needy and a little desperate for mommy's attention. 

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   Big number ten: BRIBERY. If you just realized that maybe you should have studied for that test after all, do not be afraid to dip into your desperate side. If you know your teacher likes hot coffee in the morning, you make an effort to bring it to them. If there is a coffee machine in the teacher's lounge already, *cough* break *cough* it *cough* accidentally of course. Maybe if they have their usual zing of caffeine they will not grade as hard. It is worth a try. 

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   Need to know number eleven: SURVEY THE ROOM TO SEE WHO ALL STUDIED AND JUDGE THEM HARDCORE. If overhearing conversations does not suit your personality, then do not be afraid to throw out a casual open ended question regarding the act of studying that potentially everyone will answer. Gather as much information about this subject as you can to evaluate how truly "screwed" you are. 

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   Lucky number twelve: FIND THE SMARTEST KID IN THE CLASS. Now, you are desperate. The test is coming up very soon (within the hour), and you have officially decided that you do not want to fail. Therefore, if you do not want to fail you need to find the smartest kid (or kids) in the class and try to freak them out about the test as much as possible that way they fail worse than you and the teacher grades on a curve because no one "aced" it. Or you could try to convince them to help you *cough* cheat *cough* if they are willing. Either way you have to turn on the creeper charm. 

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   Lastly number thirteen: STUDY HARD FOR THE RE-TAKE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY JUST BOMBED THE TEST. Procrastinating is an art. It requires dedication and a general lack of commitment for anything else. It is a gamble every time you incorporate it as opposed to an actual study method. This rule really only applies to the people who are new to the whole "procrastination" thing because anyone who has been practicing for years and still got into college knows how to cram and utilize their short-term memorization skills to retain just enough to, at least, pass so they do not have to put in effort to taking another test. 

     P.S.- On a quick side note, this is not encouraged on any level so do not practice it if you actually want to get somewhere in life. And vandalizing school property (the coffee pot) and being extra creepy to make people fail are highly frowned upon so really do not do those. Good luck on your exams all procrastinators!! Not you, "Study People" because you don't need luck obviously.